SHATTERED pieces on the FLOOR

mendmydeadhrt @ 2009-08-30T04:21:00

2009-08-30T11:22:48Z

this is weird..

i have soo many things i could say

and soo little energy to express it

WOW...its been a while.....fo sho

2007-06-06T09:38:01Z

Its late
i still havent slept
I have work soon
I need a second Job
I hope cheesecake factory hires me
Ill make bank there
My display picture is forever old
old old old
The things ive written about were.....so old
and lame
and I dont even know what im talking about
dsjnjkbvdjbvdjnvdz

I miss people
but then I miss No One
So why would i even lie and say i did
I have vanilla flavored cigs
They taste like shit
deff not like Vanilla
I cant want to make my Hooka cigs.
mmmm
no harsh chemicals
mmmhmm
peace bitches V

let me feel like this all the time

2006-06-26T07:24:20Z

yesterday night i picked a flower from a tree,wishing i could be a fairy

tonight i walked in the rain and smeared my mascara onto my thumb

the simple pleasure from last night still remains in my head.

the softness of the petals that i kept brushing against my face. i couldnt help but want to kiss the flower that layed in my hand. my love killed it. no matter how delicate and careful i was...its whiteness slowly faded into brown.

i wish nature could only provide. i wish that playground was never built. and the surrounding view would just be trees and vines, the sky would be so clear..and there really wouldnt be any worrys. no one would be thinking about the ants or bugs crawling on the trees. we would be one.

and tonight, the comforting sound of the rain tapping the pavement.

its still warm so it doesnt matter how wet you get. the earth was awake and alive. it needed that summer rain. you can smell the trees breath. and if you close your eyes....even for a second you can fool yourself to believe you are in the mountains....

oh how i wish i could feel like this all the time -let me feel like this all the time.

my life as a story book

2006-06-04T09:45:52Z

a couple days ago in a deel conversation with my friend vendetta
i noticed a bee drowning in the spa
i thought it was a horrible way to go...drowning and all
so i have him two chances to stay and float on a leaf
he failed both times
what a lozer
i took him out and he was drying off
he kept slipping on to his back, belly up...
he dried and was able to walk on his own...
HE WALKED STRAIGHT INTO THE SPA AGAIN
...
i honeslty think he wanted to go
it made me sad
i screamed no and tryed to grab him out again
he got sucked into the filter
i felt really bad
40 seconds or so later he came out...
he died..
--------------------

there is a snail outside my door
i almost didnt see him

he shell was painted green (when they repainted our house)
it bothered me that the painters didnt even care to notice him sleeping
or just dragging along
what if he hates that dark green
his shell is no longer shiney..
i feel bad for him.
hes munching on something outside more door
it looks like a piece of bark
maybe bread
hhehe he has a green shell... =( <-- still makes me sad
-----------------------

im bothered.
i hate guys
and how they cant handle just being myfriend
they cant handle "being rejected"
and they wont come back cause they are too pride fucked
and think they will look like a "pussy" for crawling back
cause no there secret is exposed.
i dont know what you want for me
but im not going to offer anything more than my frriend ship.
and i dont think its fair what they do.
get over yourself.

its almost 3 and im still awake
i no longer really sleep
i should get to sleep
.....its been a long long while since i wrote but its not like
anyone reads this anyways
....later days.

the journey begins

2006-03-20T15:44:26Z

so today i am going to start working out
" you would be flawless if you lost weight"
i saved up my tips for about 3 weeks
i have 155
note that i spent some for gas here and there
for michaels show
and for food
i was going to buy a new phone....
but its 250 for the phone
40 a month
pluss 10 for text
THEN im going to have to depostite some fucking shit because i do not have any credit....
I DO NOT WANT A CREDIT CARD i think they are gay
but that seems to be the only way to build credit....eh...
so i think i am just going to go shopping for underwear....HHA
since its going to take me 6 months to build credit anyway

we are pretty

the end....

mendmydeadhrt @ 2006-03-20T07:00:00

2006-03-20T15:04:25Z

Which Character from Rocko's Modern Life are You?</b></a> Take the test here

what to think about when i doubt

2006-01-10T06:56:16Z

today mike told me that he still has the first paper
i gave him with the name on it
the one i gave him the 2nd time when i saw him
at warped tour
i wrote my name and my number
so he wouldnt forget when i called
he still has it
i asked why
and he said because i like it
it makes me think of you

that HAS to mean something....right

i didnt think he was cute like that

the past time of my life

2006-01-09T06:26:12Z

double black and white enlarged photos
for a person i have never met
but offered the chance tooo
im kind of scared to meet his mom
what if she doesnt like me
or i donno
she doesnt think im pretty enough
cause im no longer the "basic" deff of pretty

new york was filled with people
and family
and partys
i miss my family
i didnt see my dad or even talk to him
i dont plan on it untill he leaves his whore

eh more later

sleep is something thats been lacking my scedule

2006-01-08T08:19:10Z

its funny how well i have been running with outsleep
tomarrow i have work at 2 till close
most i have worked in one day
this week i saw mike 3 times
i took him to the air port today
hes going home for a week
ah fuck this
i had 20 min of sleep im not writting

today i was attached by a gust of horniness

god that sucked

the toy

2005-11-02T04:36:21Z

sid came back home
sid went back to the shop
they didnt fix him

it sucks
cause im the only one that really turns him on
=(

what is october

2005-11-01T06:26:09Z

what is october
anything better than a grand night fallowed by tears
story telling in a broken down car
by the side of the steet
cars passing and passing
yet no one is stopping
you would think that this is the time a cop car would pull over
a tow truck maybe
no only the people you would think to be scared of
or even worthless would help
a bum pushing his home
his shopping cart that he stole
looking for his next warm place to sleep
even a biker
just trying to get his daily night work out done
dirtying his bandana to check the
transmision fluid

the screams
but not of a human
or anything alive for that matter
but something that is not guite dead
or is it?
his name was sid
sid vicious
and he died on october 31th
my favorite day
i cried with him
as we struggled
going less than 20 miles per hour
up the road.

my heart breaks.

the weekend love

2005-10-24T16:22:27Z

soo on sat me and lauren go down to mikes when i get off work
we get down there and get lost
how i dont kno
we werent paying attention we were laughing and singing
we ended up in irvine
and all these asians were EVERYWHERE
haha
we get there and jakes in bed
he wont get up
OR LEAVE THE ROOM
for some....reason
finally lauren and me get jake to leave
they went to the store and bought vodka
ha
me and lauren get drunk i guess you would say
not shit faced drunk
just drunk
however when they left me and mike farked
then lauren left the room and jake fallowed
so we got to fark again
that was funner
hes so beautiful
so beautiful.
then the next day which was yesterday
\lauren wanted to watch us have sex haa...
thats not gunna happen lol
so instead mike was grabbing my boobs in front of her
and flashing me to her ahaha
and then touched me, yeah. in front of her haa
i told lauren to get out of the room HAHA
it was funny tho
stupid teese
and poor lauren
she wanted to watch lol
but thats just....weird
anyways im at school and im trying to find out how im going to do something
eh
ill let this go
i want to go back over tho....
meh..
i miss him

i would go out tonight but i havent got a stitch to wear

2005-10-20T04:23:37Z

so yeaterday i hung out with kristen
its been a while
we talked
i was sooo happy yesterday
then all of a sudden at 6 30
fucking sadness his me out of no where
i dont kno why so dont ask
it just did
i got home and was bummed out
hoping i would talk with michael
but he was being retarted and didnt talk back much
so that kind of made me upset.

today ive been bummed out as well
i feel like i want to cry or something
its weird
i donno
anyways
this guy today said "amanda do u cry alot"
me "no why"
i donno it just seems like all the stuff you create is sad
and thats so not true.
my sillohette or however u spell it
man is HOT
it symbols SO MUCH
hes sitting there with his head tilted up
he has a tear
and his hands are held out and up
and a heart is floating above it

the plain just black and white shows simplicity
things shouldnt be complicated
the hearts just floating there cause its something he wants so badly
i donno
i dont feel like explaining it
ill explain it when i post it on here

heres a letter that made me feel nice inside

Amanda, I admire the way that you express your rage. it’s the only thing that most people cannot express that makes me look up to you. it’s pieces that I wish I had in me to let out and push it aside, and you and I both know I’m not one for pushing much aside.

you inspired me to sew and actually opened me up to the idea of making things. haha, I realize that anything is tangible, and all I would need to do is pick it up and fix it. the way you actually have the focus and determination to get things your way inspires me to do more.

you see things differently. ways I could only glance at from a distance but not fully understand. and that’s something I love about you.

having you explain to me the silhouette thing the other day made me smile on the inside because there were different ways to look at it,… and it never actually got to me. it was like you pointed my head in the right direction.

I’m sorry if I was bitchy or whatnot for the past few days… but it’s only because it’s another part of me I haven’t shown. I used to have bad tempers when I was younger and that’s one reason why I’m so shy and don’t show much either. I used to get so mad I’d hurt people and they would eventually abandon me. friends and family… it was so stupid. I was stupid.

hopefully my change is for the better… bwaha… I’d hate to piss people off… especially you, because I know you have the ability to break my legs off and squish me in a paper napkin to flush down the toilet like all your insect fiends that you find around the house.

so yes. I hope you get this soon, I’ll be leaving for work at 4.45. later. mwah. and I loff you.

-charlotte-

i should have just slept in

2005-10-13T14:19:56Z

sSo yesterday in class i worked 2 hours on these silouete hands
that go with me very hot man/woman
silouette thing
\and guess what
COULDNT SAVE IT
cause something is wrong with out server
YAY 2 hours of work and nothing can be done for it
eh
i told myself to just stay in bed cause the comps wont be working
and yeah,
they arent
i wish to just been in my warm bed
or michaels...
=(
cause that was part of my dream
i promise myself i wont call him text him or IM him till sunday
i want to see how long it takes him to contact me
and i hate that things are like this
but im pretty sure that if they werent...i would loose interest
or woould i?
im not sure
yoou see...
i go both ways with everything
could explain why i never kno what i want
but i know i want more than this
AND i kno that the more we keep doing stuff the more serious this will have to be
next time were alone
or on the phone
were going to talk a little
um
yeah...
yesterday i saw fight club
for pretty much the first time
and the day b4 that i gotmy her did
it looks good
to bad no one noticed that it was 5 inches longer...
fucking dumb ass

anyways i have to get to text work SINCE OUR SHITS NOT WORKING
tomarrow....im sleeping in
late

title

2005-10-06T05:18:26Z

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i wish i could be an old pin up doll
and have soliders hang me up in their lockers

tthat would be great

today was the fifth time someone said i
looked like/resembled
tomb raider
lady
how the fuck do u spell her name?
Anjolean joilie
wtf
thats not right
god ddamnit
oh well im tired and need to shower
i smell like an asian

i want him

2005-10-03T03:57:42Z

so yeah
i just took a lovely shower
candles are the best way to take showers
screw lights
they body looks more beautiful by candles anyway
today i went to go look at my damanatrix costume
i dont kno if thats how u spell it but i really dont care
uh its so hot.
and this guy walked to the back of the store and i said
"hey! those are the screeens i use at school"
then i go to the lady and say u have a screen printing press in here?!?
and she says yeah
me- eeee thats awesome! i do that for 4 hours a day at school
and yada yada

we talk
and if she needs help she might hire me
weeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
im so excited they might do a thing for mtv and
get 15 million dollars in projects a day
so....they just might need help...u kno...yeah
thats alot of work

BUT IM SO HAPPY OH GOD PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN IT WOULD BE THE SHIT!
*smiles*
i get a job doing what i LOVE
weeeeeeeeeeeeee

me and michael are doing good
"i saw u naked"
such a dork.
but i love him.
i hope i can see him TOMARROW OR TUESDAY
CAUSE I NEED TO.
i misses him

can humans fake....? HELP ME OUT HERE

2005-09-21T04:00:11Z

gut feelings?
cause we cause them to not show?
or if they dont show...
are we all in good hands?
do i trust mike?
i mean, i dont have any bad feeling about it
nothing saying STAY AWAY.
like with jeremy
i always knew what was going to happen
or did i cause that to happen all by myself
from having doubt in the first place.

how does this work.
am i being naive?
am i being a typical "stupid girl"
no thats not possible cause i will never let me become one of them
so then am i good?
should i always asume good things so there for
i cant subconciously mess things up later on?

im getting tired....
shirt tomarrow!

so hot

2005-09-20T21:14:28Z

pulling hair
+
nails in the back
=
hotness

uh...
time to take a shower

& i have new pj bottoms =)

when hes getting them back...
who knows

he called me when he said
called me back yesterday
and texted me back today
looking better,

back into the shit hole

2005-09-16T14:45:20Z

so...
just when things with me and mike were getting better
its all done now
he told me to loose his number
i dont kno if he said that cause he was just really upset
but i have a reason to be upset as well
being ignored for 3 weeks
come on now.

so my eyes are really puffy.
my glasses are staying on.

when i was driving to school today
the sky was all grey
and really thick
but the sun still shined in one spot
and it made me cry
i dont kno ow to read that sign

god help me.

i dont have a title

2005-09-13T14:42:36Z

so yesterday...
i was at school and this butterfly kept landing
on this guy
i got mad and cursed at him telling him to land on me...
and he did.
yay
made me feel special...=)

so going to FUN OL WORK...
i grabbed my pants and ishy out of the hamper to wash
when i grabbed them out of the dryer i noticed it wasnt my work shirt...
it was mikes shirt...
and yeah...
i donno
it made me sad...
and i kind of took it as a sign to call him,
but i didnt.
i didnt even kno the shirt was in the hamper to start off with
it felt weird
i dont kno what to do
all i KNOW IS...
i HAVE to see him ONE last time.

.........eh......
class is to early....
i need to go back to mi mi's

go fark yourself.

things ive noticed

2005-09-12T05:52:02Z

butterflys are to delicate to be touched my little kids
this one butterfly really liked me
i felt special
a kid killed one by smushing it into the carpet
with his foot...
my heart went out to it
and i wanted to cry.

when youre not driving
and you look out the window
at the freeway floor
its actually really beautiful
when its dark
and with the right amount of light
it is.

it always makes me think when i stare at it.
the little reflectors and broken glass
from car accidents
make it sparkle.

i really really love plants...and flowers
they make me feel great inside.
really great.
i love stairing at them
and caring for them...
sigh...

yes
im sad.
and single.
yet...again....
fuck, am i lozer

so... a story only old people would hide.

2005-09-11T07:52:07Z

um...
i guess...i dont have a bf anymore
well...i DONT have one anymore.
havent talked to hime in over 2 weeks
hes fucked up
and has no reason NOT to talk to me
hes really weird
and fucking shady.
his drummer jake...i love him hes a good guy
told me that if he had me hed appreciate me
and he doesnt kno why mike is doing this
he said i was awesome and good to him
since i did alot for him and made alot of stuff for him
it make me happy that
he said he would appreciate me

so i still dont kno what to do.
im not going to call him im him or text him
i wrote him a long letter and the next day
he texted me to go over
and i said i dont kno what else to say but why
and he said just do it

and i said can u give me a reason why i should go over
and he said so when can u come
and i said when u tell me why
and then he said nevermind
i said
ok then? u want me to keep running to you? u ignored me for 2 weeks u can at least tell me why u want me there...cant you?
and then i said and plus i get my stitches out today IF i go over it will be after that
and then i texted him when i was done at the docs and he said he had practice at 7.
and that was the end
i imed him and said hi
he didnt say anything
then i texted him telling him
to play a good show and maybe we can hang out soon
and he didnt text me back
so,

im thru with it
IF we talk im fucking with him
ill say ill go over
and i wont show
ill make him wait
everything
im just going to fuck with him and try not to care
I DONT PLAY FUCKING GAMES
I DONT LIKE GAMES
but if u fuck with me....
its done.

so yeah another relationship gone bad
i need to stop picking fucked up boys
im tired of this shit..
im tired...
period
people need to stop fucking with others...i mean come on now..
its fucking old.

im going to bed...

i wrote this the other night
it needs adding and fixing and ishy
give me a break its the first in a long time....

bring on the october breeze
its finally here
the leaves rustle in the wind
but its not like any windy day.
breath in...
exhale...
you can feel october in the air
and i think im in love

the time shows yellow and orange
why do the leaves sing a different song?
it leaves me only wispering your name
soon it will fade away
just like my october breeze

a SHALLOW breeze...
you are THEE october breeze

now that i read it....i kind of dont like it anymore....hm...goodnight

A NEW FUCKING JOB! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-27T08:12:48Z

yes.
FUCK BAJA FRESH!
my boss said "i dont kno if i can give u the days off"
im going to cancun.
im sorry but a trip that over 1000$ a person
is worth more than baja fucking fresh.

then he said "im not sure if youre going to be n the scedule when u get back"
SO i got another job
and Pei Wei
its a branch from P.F Changs
and it looks ULTRA YUMMY!
and i start off making 8$ an hour
and shes going to give me 5 days a week

WHICH IS SO MUCH MORE AND BETTER THAN FUCKING BAJA FRESH!
and shes white
shes not a beaner
and she speaks ENGLISH
and shes nice
and i can actually WEAR MY FUCKING MAKEUP!
and do my hair as a PLEASE!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and the other best part is
ONE OF MY BESTEREST FRIENDS IS WORKING WITH ME
WOOOOOOOOOOOOO
how can it get any better!

woot woot
woot woot

corruption

2005-07-26T05:21:54Z

so yeah.
sleep over the boy friends house
he turns me on

alot.

i love biting,
hair being pulled,
digging nails in lower back.

i have learned that...
things are really soft.
i love everything about him.

i fucking hate all this shit.

2005-07-18T05:47:08Z

so i wrote my "bf" a letter.
cause i kind of dont kno wtf is going on
i ahvent really talked to him
and he kind of doesnt call me or anything
so i wrote him a letter.

the first letter i wrote got deleted =/
i wish myspace didn't delete my letter
cause now im all stressed cause i cant think of what i wanted to say.
well i guess well start with this....=/
are u serious about all "this"
now im really not to sure.
so could u please tell me what's going on
i donno maybe its me and im just thinking to much
or could u tell me if u want something?
or something?
so i at least know what i am up for?
i donno

i never get any messages from you
or calls...
or comments or anything.
And it makes me really really sad. ='(
cause i think about you a lot
that's why i take the time to do all of that.

and i ...never get any from you =(
and it just makes me think about whats really going on
and i really dislike when i have to wonder about things
cause then i just think to much ( like i could already be doing)
so thats why i was hoping that u could just tell me.

i call all the time
and i .....feel like you're avoiding me or dont want to talk to me
so sometimes i hesitate to even call cause i think
"well if he wanted to talk he would call right?"

i donno...
other girls get comments from you..
interesting comments...=/
and your "gf" doesnt.
it just...doesnt make me feel to confident about this whole thing
and like i said it makes me wonder about whats going on
and if you're really even serious.

cause i want to be serious about this
and i want to be the only girl you'll have
and i really dont want any other guy.

sorry if i exaggerated about any of this.
i dont think i did.
im just stating how i feel.
i hope you understand
just fill me in.
and tell me everything.

=(

...

thats it
the end,
i will not....get hurt over this.
let just fuck with him ay?
ay